I think it's been years since I wrote an entry. Here anyway.
We had only one day with nothing demanding attention from start to finish. However, I'd forgotten we'd had a doctor's appointment for Celia mid day. After that there was her passport appointment.
So we got started many hours later than originally planned. The idea was to go as a family to one of our places. The river where I've taken the kids to play for years when I'm not on call and cell phone signal isn't important.
The river they've come to associate with our family and their childhood.
The usual waterfront places were closed. I don't know why. It's mid-summer now and yet river spot after river spot was blocked. After deciding we were running out of daylight we settled for the one open.
I sent Leif to the right and Asher to the left to see if there were spots on the water which would suit us. I knew the water level would be higher. We've had rain this year.
Leif called us to his found spot. He was stood in the water, there were ants on the shore, and he's allergic. He carries a benadryl in his pocket out of fear.
We knew the spot he'd picked was not going to suit us, the water was moving too fast and it was difficult to determine depth across the water. There were giant logs pinned together to form a crossing. The kids asked why they were there, not a bridge. I said I wasn't sure. Perhaps they'd not been replaced yet. Perhaps they were only meant as a water breaker over the rocks just there. Who knows.
The last time we were at this spot, years ago, we interrupted a memorial ceremony where people were placing flowers next to the water. We decided we'd move on but we agreed to stop to regroup as everyone got together, Brian, Momo, Celia, Leif, Asher, Buttercup.
The boys gambled across the logs and back again. Asher got too close to the edge and slid down into the water. Leif also momentarily lost his balance and said last time we were at the water he'd fallen in - telling Celia. Celia said that's what it's like to be the oldest, you're the one who falls in.
The water was about calf high just there where they both in turn fell in.
Leif and Asher stepped gently across the logs. I knelt down to look at a wild orchid - they're so rare here. Celia cradled Momo in her arms on a rock. Brian watched from above. And suddenly - all at once, Leif lost his footing further across the log and went in, at the imperceptibly deep part. The fast running white watery part. The part where the water was sucked violently under the logs. All at once his limbs were sucked under the log and he screamed for me "Mommee!"
Then as I stood up looking down from above his face went fully under, looking up at me as he clung to the log from under the water.
Brian pushed at me shouting to save him. I pressed the camera and phone in my hand to Brian and pushed over the ledge I was on.
But in that moment, the moment his face went under and it was frozen in time in total terror - Celia screamed LEIF at the top of her lungs. "LEIF" and she leaped into the water. Diving forward without hesitation. She'd not stopped to think of her clothes or what was in her pockets. She just screamed her brother's name and dove forward.
She pulled his head up, and then he wrapped his arms around her. She screamed for him to pull himself out and his legs totally in the sluice he screamed back that he couldn't move. It was too strong. She was holding him, he was holding her. She'd braced herself against the log and a boulder. She screamed for me and by then I was in the water, rushing towards them.
I thought:
I wonder how good my CPR is?
I should scream to Brian to call emergency services.
They won't get here in time.
Will they know where we are?
If he goes under, will I see him on the other side of the logs?
Will my shoes slow me down?
I have to keep them on in case of hooks and glass.
Is there a phone in my pocket?
What if he hits his head?
What if I hit my head?
What if I can't pull him up?
Will I ever forget his face under the water?
And then - the clearest thought as I reached them - the moment of his birth. He was born in the caul. For those not birth oriented that means my water never broke, he was born fully intact inside the bag of waters, all in one little package. Celia thought he'd been plastic wrapped. And the midwife looked at me, as I stared at the little NHS watch dangling off of her chest "10:10" it said she said "that's good luck, it means he'll never drown."
And I shouted over the water at Celia to pass him to me and he reached for me with desperation and I thought: I can't let go, what if I don't have hold? Is he slippery?
So I pulled on his long arms as he wrapped them around me. I'd planted my legs as firmly as I could and I held him to me until I was sure I'd pulled all of him and then I passed him up the bank to Brian who pulled him out.
Then, I turned and reached for Celia and shouted over the water for her to hold me and I'd pull her out. And so she did, she reached and wrapped her arms around me and I lifted her out. And she began to pass me.
As Leif passed me I noted he was white, pale, the blood had gone from him. As Celia passed me I noticed she was also pale, very white, looking a little in shock and she was shuddering fully. Her face was stricken. As she began to reach for Brian on the bank I didn't let go. I held her.
We don't cuddle, Celia and I, but just then I needed to. She needed to. As she realized, she melted to me and we held each other in the raging water for a few moments.
The others were shouting but I couldn't quite make them out. Or Brian.
Leif was stood amongst ants and screaming for his shoes, tearing up in fear. The shoes had been torn off his feet, he kept screaming "Mommee, please, my shoes, I need my shoes, the ants, please."
A stick hit my leg and I threw it off me, then realizing the younger ones were shouting at me that it had been their butterfly net that had fallen in with their brother. I reached for it but it had been sucked under the log.
I reached under, just a bit in front of me to see if his shoes had hit a solid mass, perhaps they were there, and my arm was sucked towards the under water of the logs. I realized if I reached further I'd go under.
I asked Leif what had happened. All he could say was he'd fallen, and he couldn't decide fast enough to let go or not so he was held in place under the water. He said if he'd let go, he was afraid his head would be stuck in the opening under the logs and he'd drown. He said if he didn't let go, he'd be held under water. By the time he'd come to a decision he couldn't pull himself back up.
I came up to the bank and Celia's face was still full of fear and hurt. She had a massive deep tissue bruise up her entire shin, and some laceration. She'd braced herself trying to hold her brother and her leg had been the victim. Leif had red streaks up his arms. I pulled his sleeves up to see if he had cuts or deeper bruises. Celia was urgently checking him over explaining he wouldn't know if he were hurt, he'd be too full of adrenaline. The red marks were clearly hand prints where Celia and I had passed him to each other. He had one cut on the back of one arm. His eyes were red from tearing up.
Buttercup asked if he'd have died.
I turned to Celia and stroked her face, and then, thought of how she'd said the last time I'd said I loved her was Thanksgiving (a family tradition). I turned to her and said "I love you. Celia I love you." Over and over and she cried.
Later Leif asked what his face had looked like. It looked like the faces in the LOTR movie under the marsh water. I said it looked horrible. I asked what we'd looked like to him?
He said he couldn't see us, just darkness around the edges and the water over him. He said it looked like the underwater fishing videos of the fish's view looking up.
I decided to ask him if he was truly drowning.
"Could you pull yourself up? Were you fine? Did you even need Celia?"
He answered sort of quietly that no, he wasn't fine, he'd used all his bodily strength trying to draw his face above the water. He was drowning. His sister saved him.
Brian can't swim.
We were cold. I was wet to my shoulders, Celia and Leif were drenched. We stood there for some time deciding what to do. Finally, we decided to salvage our moods and to not let this be our memory of our river. We went further up, to the hotsprings and played in the shallow, safer water, until it became dark and we were all feeling a tiny bit more whole.
We had only one day with nothing demanding attention from start to finish. However, I'd forgotten we'd had a doctor's appointment for Celia mid day. After that there was her passport appointment.
So we got started many hours later than originally planned. The idea was to go as a family to one of our places. The river where I've taken the kids to play for years when I'm not on call and cell phone signal isn't important.
The river they've come to associate with our family and their childhood.
The usual waterfront places were closed. I don't know why. It's mid-summer now and yet river spot after river spot was blocked. After deciding we were running out of daylight we settled for the one open.
I sent Leif to the right and Asher to the left to see if there were spots on the water which would suit us. I knew the water level would be higher. We've had rain this year.
Leif called us to his found spot. He was stood in the water, there were ants on the shore, and he's allergic. He carries a benadryl in his pocket out of fear.
We knew the spot he'd picked was not going to suit us, the water was moving too fast and it was difficult to determine depth across the water. There were giant logs pinned together to form a crossing. The kids asked why they were there, not a bridge. I said I wasn't sure. Perhaps they'd not been replaced yet. Perhaps they were only meant as a water breaker over the rocks just there. Who knows.
The last time we were at this spot, years ago, we interrupted a memorial ceremony where people were placing flowers next to the water. We decided we'd move on but we agreed to stop to regroup as everyone got together, Brian, Momo, Celia, Leif, Asher, Buttercup.
The boys gambled across the logs and back again. Asher got too close to the edge and slid down into the water. Leif also momentarily lost his balance and said last time we were at the water he'd fallen in - telling Celia. Celia said that's what it's like to be the oldest, you're the one who falls in.
The water was about calf high just there where they both in turn fell in.
Leif and Asher stepped gently across the logs. I knelt down to look at a wild orchid - they're so rare here. Celia cradled Momo in her arms on a rock. Brian watched from above. And suddenly - all at once, Leif lost his footing further across the log and went in, at the imperceptibly deep part. The fast running white watery part. The part where the water was sucked violently under the logs. All at once his limbs were sucked under the log and he screamed for me "Mommee!"
Then as I stood up looking down from above his face went fully under, looking up at me as he clung to the log from under the water.
Brian pushed at me shouting to save him. I pressed the camera and phone in my hand to Brian and pushed over the ledge I was on.
But in that moment, the moment his face went under and it was frozen in time in total terror - Celia screamed LEIF at the top of her lungs. "LEIF" and she leaped into the water. Diving forward without hesitation. She'd not stopped to think of her clothes or what was in her pockets. She just screamed her brother's name and dove forward.
She pulled his head up, and then he wrapped his arms around her. She screamed for him to pull himself out and his legs totally in the sluice he screamed back that he couldn't move. It was too strong. She was holding him, he was holding her. She'd braced herself against the log and a boulder. She screamed for me and by then I was in the water, rushing towards them.
I thought:
I wonder how good my CPR is?
I should scream to Brian to call emergency services.
They won't get here in time.
Will they know where we are?
If he goes under, will I see him on the other side of the logs?
Will my shoes slow me down?
I have to keep them on in case of hooks and glass.
Is there a phone in my pocket?
What if he hits his head?
What if I hit my head?
What if I can't pull him up?
Will I ever forget his face under the water?
And then - the clearest thought as I reached them - the moment of his birth. He was born in the caul. For those not birth oriented that means my water never broke, he was born fully intact inside the bag of waters, all in one little package. Celia thought he'd been plastic wrapped. And the midwife looked at me, as I stared at the little NHS watch dangling off of her chest "10:10" it said she said "that's good luck, it means he'll never drown."
And I shouted over the water at Celia to pass him to me and he reached for me with desperation and I thought: I can't let go, what if I don't have hold? Is he slippery?
So I pulled on his long arms as he wrapped them around me. I'd planted my legs as firmly as I could and I held him to me until I was sure I'd pulled all of him and then I passed him up the bank to Brian who pulled him out.
Then, I turned and reached for Celia and shouted over the water for her to hold me and I'd pull her out. And so she did, she reached and wrapped her arms around me and I lifted her out. And she began to pass me.
As Leif passed me I noted he was white, pale, the blood had gone from him. As Celia passed me I noticed she was also pale, very white, looking a little in shock and she was shuddering fully. Her face was stricken. As she began to reach for Brian on the bank I didn't let go. I held her.
We don't cuddle, Celia and I, but just then I needed to. She needed to. As she realized, she melted to me and we held each other in the raging water for a few moments.
The others were shouting but I couldn't quite make them out. Or Brian.
Leif was stood amongst ants and screaming for his shoes, tearing up in fear. The shoes had been torn off his feet, he kept screaming "Mommee, please, my shoes, I need my shoes, the ants, please."
A stick hit my leg and I threw it off me, then realizing the younger ones were shouting at me that it had been their butterfly net that had fallen in with their brother. I reached for it but it had been sucked under the log.
I reached under, just a bit in front of me to see if his shoes had hit a solid mass, perhaps they were there, and my arm was sucked towards the under water of the logs. I realized if I reached further I'd go under.
I asked Leif what had happened. All he could say was he'd fallen, and he couldn't decide fast enough to let go or not so he was held in place under the water. He said if he'd let go, he was afraid his head would be stuck in the opening under the logs and he'd drown. He said if he didn't let go, he'd be held under water. By the time he'd come to a decision he couldn't pull himself back up.
I came up to the bank and Celia's face was still full of fear and hurt. She had a massive deep tissue bruise up her entire shin, and some laceration. She'd braced herself trying to hold her brother and her leg had been the victim. Leif had red streaks up his arms. I pulled his sleeves up to see if he had cuts or deeper bruises. Celia was urgently checking him over explaining he wouldn't know if he were hurt, he'd be too full of adrenaline. The red marks were clearly hand prints where Celia and I had passed him to each other. He had one cut on the back of one arm. His eyes were red from tearing up.
Buttercup asked if he'd have died.
I turned to Celia and stroked her face, and then, thought of how she'd said the last time I'd said I loved her was Thanksgiving (a family tradition). I turned to her and said "I love you. Celia I love you." Over and over and she cried.
Later Leif asked what his face had looked like. It looked like the faces in the LOTR movie under the marsh water. I said it looked horrible. I asked what we'd looked like to him?
He said he couldn't see us, just darkness around the edges and the water over him. He said it looked like the underwater fishing videos of the fish's view looking up.
I decided to ask him if he was truly drowning.
"Could you pull yourself up? Were you fine? Did you even need Celia?"
He answered sort of quietly that no, he wasn't fine, he'd used all his bodily strength trying to draw his face above the water. He was drowning. His sister saved him.
Brian can't swim.
We were cold. I was wet to my shoulders, Celia and Leif were drenched. We stood there for some time deciding what to do. Finally, we decided to salvage our moods and to not let this be our memory of our river. We went further up, to the hotsprings and played in the shallow, safer water, until it became dark and we were all feeling a tiny bit more whole.
